Fetishy Barbarella for the New Millenium: Ultraviolet Ultra-Disappointing.

"Ultraviolet" ramps up with a title sequence of nonexistent comic covers, showing adaptations of the action heroine drawn in styles from golden age through modern. Unfortunately the film itself more resembles a gutless Image title -- all arty flash with only semblance of substance.

Set in a technologically advanced late 21st century where a biolab accident has created a highly contagious race of blood-drinkers, a civil war ensues between humanity and the new breed of faster, stronger hemophages. Guarding humanity from the forces of infection is Vice Cardinal Ferdinand Daxus (Nick Chinlund of "Desperate Housewives") who creates an antigen that will wipe out their vampiric adversaries. Enter Violet (Milla Jovovich), who will stop at nothing to save the oppressed hemophages from destruction. Neither side comes across as likable however, even if the vampires are better dressers.

Model/singer/actress Jovovich brings the experience of "The Fifth Element" and "Resident Evil" with her as the heinie-kicking hottie, and there's no lack of her in skintight apparel shooting, cutting, and mad-dogging thousands of faceless guards. Loaded moments play her as an over-the-top fetishy Barbarella for the new millennium, but none of it is enough to support the film's shortcomings.

[Okay, that sword's admittedly bad arse.]

"Ultraviolet" unapologetically borrows from many successful films, including "The Matrix", "Underworld", and even an element from "Pulp Fiction". Supersaturated digital grading imparts an airbrushed look to everything, which is so heavy at times it gives a "Tron"-like appearance to the setting, nicely complimented by a neat techno-orchestral soundtrack. But for all its slickness, the story shows its cards halfway through to become predictable. And as soon as that happens battles lose their dramatic impact, the characters flatten out, and enemies meet their demise -- so why even care?

Given a few more screenplay treatments this movie could have been exceptional, and there's the shame of it. Instead, it was ultra-disappointing.

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While a mostly happy bookstore fixture for over two decades, Guillermo Maytorena IV is currently willing to entertain your serious proposals for employment as a literary/cinema critic, goth journalist, castellan, airship pilot/crewperson, investigative mythologist, or assisting in a craft brewery. Should you be connected to any of the above or equally interesting endeavours, do contact him via LinkedIn or G+.

the treasure in the Wardrobe.

In remembering the 1979 cartoon and 1988 BBC versions of The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe a viewer might wonder how necessary offering this story for a third time is when there's a surfeit of other just-as-good literary sources waiting out there. Is the remaking of movies our visual recital of stories, like the oral retelling of folktales? The persistence of culture, or just safe commercialism? Ultimately the proof's in the work, and if it's managed to keep with and fill out the mythos more. This latest version of C.S. Lewis' Lion does just that.

The tale and movie's charm is that it works on many levels. Narnia isn't just some fantasyland -- it's a deeper state of subconscious awareness where the mythological symbols play out against each other. Seductive queenly witches versus kingly noble-spoken lions, pagan night tribes versus monotheistic sun worshippers, the immutable preservation of pallid ice versus nature's colourful turnings.

Set during WWII, the London blitz forces the four Pevensie siblings to relocate to the manor house of a professor (Jim Broadbent, Moulin Rouge) who's willing to take the children in -- somewhat based on Lewis and his step-kids, for whom these tales were originally written for. During a game of hide and seek, young Lucy, played to perfection by toothy Georgie Henley, tucks herself away in a wardrobe full of fur coats, but accidentally backs into the magical realm of Narnia.

The film takes Lewis' rich story and adorns it nicely: mean Mrs. MacReady's vengeful clip-clops as she pursues the children and Liam Neeson's rich voice of Aslan both show attentive sound design, watching Jadis in her crown of icicles put seductressey moves on Edmund with sibilant promises of "whole rooms of Turkish Delight", and Father Christmas reinterpreted as a field general handing out weapons stating, "These are tools not toys. Use them wisely", all add new dimensions to the characters and showcase some great acting, especially from Tilda Swinton (Orlando) as beautifully regal Jadis the White Witch.

[Oh, Jadis! You & a roomful of Turkish Delight, please!]

On the slightly negative side, we suffer through a particularly stagey set within what should have been an impressive ice castle. When greenish-white interiors seem only a few steps above the flat matte paintings of the 1939 Emerald City, it's time to farm more work away from ye olde Disney and let WETA handle it. Also, a few modern taunts get slipped in: "Kitty wanna a saucer of milk?" and "You haven't got it in you!" Lewis never wrote so obviously, and fortunately these are the only glaring examples of such cop drama-style drivel. The film also tries to push forward the supposition that the support of family conquers all, but it comes off way forced during moments where the brothers and sisters snap at each other when their attention would actually be better spent shutting up to fight off a wolf attack.

More successfully than Lion's two previous tellings, this version conveys the book's central theme: the mystical wardrobe, lined with warm coats, serves as a womb, a portal of rebirth, and the ability of children to see things without preconceptions or limitations allows them entry into the otherworld of greater possibilities. Susan's mind first denies this: "We're not heroes! We're from Finchley!", but as events unfold even she realizes she's bigger than Finchley ever was. Our power to possess a limitless perspective so you can potentially change the world -- and not just during one's unassuming youth -- is what Narnia's really all about.

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While a mostly happy bookstore fixture for over two decades, Guillermo Maytorena IV is currently willing to entertain your serious proposals for employment as a literary/cinema critic, goth journalist, castellan, airship pilot/crewperson, investigative mythologist, or assisting in a craft brewery. Should you be connected to any of the above or equally interesting endeavours, do contact him via LinkedIn or G+.